T L Kreuser
Well. It’s been about 13 months since you passed, and a lot has happened. I’ve done the very best I can to help Lori adjust to her new life…and the last few months went by so fast…since November 2019, 15 people have passed away, and you were number 13.
My memories of you smoking your pipe when visiting, and of how you took us all fishing one summer (we caught nothing) and the same summer we watched a bit of the Olympics on the tiny television in Grandma Forstie’s house in the upper bedroom.
I am glad I got to know you in a way no one else does, and I know you were proud of me and my family. That is a validation that every man needs and not every man gets. I got to know the why you did what you did all those years ago, and I learned to forgive you, because I understand what you went through in your own adoption.
So much turmoil you endured as a toddler! Losing your mother so young, then living with your aunt and uncle who adopted you, only after your father remarried…being pulled back and forth in a sense of lost identity.
You wanted us not to have that hurt in our hearts. I understand that now, but as a child I did not. I became comfortable with calling you “Dad” again, because it’s who you became to me again when my dad was long passed.
You were mellow, quiet, reserved and relaxed. You were a Finn, and had that stiff upper lip. I just wish it would have made it to be with you when you passed. I did my best, and Unlnown it was all you wanted of me…but I feel a sense of calm and peace when at your place. I feel a sense of culture and comfort and “home,” even if you aren’t there.
I can’t do it all for you. Still it has been five trips in 18 months…i am sometimes stretched so thin that I don’t know what the priority is, but I know it’s my kids First, then settling what I can.
You were the last of my four parents to pass, and perhaps I haven’t grieved properly, but I have a therapist to help me with the very hurtful loss of first the very hateful and narcissistic woman who hurt my kids and made them unsafe…then gradually so many. I was numb to loss. I feel it more now, and that’s ok.
I wish you peace. I love you.
Your son.
